Dear Apple: I Hate You, I Love You , I Hate that I Love You

February 14, 2017, Friend Letters, 3
My Dearest Apple,

There comes a time in every relationship, when one just has to decide if it’s worth it. This Valentine’s Day, after 12 years together, it’s time to let you know how I really feel. When we first got together, I envisioned a bright future. I thought you’d be there for me with training and support. But now spending time with you feels more like a chore, and truthfully, I might prefer going to the dentist for a routine visit.

Do you remember almost 10 years ago now when we brought our first iPhone home? I was so excited — she was so beautiful and small, and really quite smart for her age. Now we’re up to 14 Apple products in our household, but I’m not sure you even notice me anymore. Not only am I buying for myself, but also for our children; you think you’d be rolling out the red carpet.

Can We Get This Relationship Blooming Again?

I thought one of the benefits of being married to you was that I’d feel safe in my own home. Do you know we have an intruder? Yes, it’s true, and I really don’t appreciate the family dynamic. Our children start ferociously resisting every time I ask them to turn off their devices. Really, you could help to make parenting so much easier by providing a means to turn these devices off remotely and restrict app usage. I know you’re already offering this to the education market, and it would be nice to know our kids are researching dinosaurs instead of glued to Netflix. And I wouldn’t have to worry about our children having shorter attention spans than a goldfish, or that they’ll be blinded by the blue light before they’re 30. And of course, if the current trend continues, I wonder about their social skills and whether they’ll ever get a decent job or get married if they’re incapable of conversing with another human being.

In the future, please consider the impact your actions have on our children and me. Some forewarning when you release features like AirDrop and Apple News would be appreciated so that I can protect our children from things they shouldn’t see. I know this is not too much to ask because I know how capable you are – this is why I married you. I’m sure when you stop to think about the value I bring to this relationship, you’ll be more than eager to get out of the doghouse and back into my good graces.

For Better Or Worse…We Married for Life

For better or worse, I’m in deep to this whole Apple ecosystem, and I believe in commitment. Starting over is never easy and besides, we’ve got history. We’re not just dating, we’re past the point of engagement, we’re married, and we married for life. The truth is, I want to keep our family together and can’t imagine life without you. So, why not make this a great partnership? It’s time for my voice to be heard, and as CEO and CTO of the “Family Business,” I’ve earned it.

With Love,

Julie Paul and Friends, representing your most-prized demographic – Moms!


And Here’s the Tylenol…Your Headache will Be Gone in 2 minutes!

To Turn off Airdrop on Your Children’s devices:
– Swipe up from the bottom of the home screen to access the Control Center
– Select “Receiving Off”

To Protect Eyes from Harmful Bluelight:
– Go to Settings, then scroll down, then select Display & Brightness
– Select “Night Shift”, then “Scheduled” (becomes green) to select preferred hours

To Remove Apple News:
– Delete from device by holding down app (must have iOS 10 or later)

To Keep Apple News on Your Phone but Prevent Kids from Seeing Top Stories Feed (they can see even when phone is locked)
– Go to Settings, select Touch ID & Passcode, scroll down to “Allow Access When Locked” (just below Voice Dial)
– Slide “Today View” left to the off position .